Vent

Forreal though, I have nobody to tell things anymore. Atleast without me feeling like they're gonna mess things up or because I think they'll have some sort of opinion on me. It's hard, no lie... I feel lonly sometimes, but I know i have people to talk to. I know they wanna be there for me, but it's like I'm not letting them be there for me, if that makes any sense.
I wanna make things right with everybody, but some things are just holding me back. I don't wanna hide that anymore. But I really don't mean to, this goes out to a lot of you people. I feel like some people want to be closer to me, maybe because we were before... PROBABLY because we were before, but I feel like it's because of me that I can't let that happen. I don't want to say I have trust issues, but I think I do. And it's eating me alive. I'm only hurting myself because I isolate myself so much from friends because I don't let them know what's going on in my life anymore, and that makes us NOT close. I know that some people will always be there for me, I know that there ARE people that I could trust with becoming close to and shit... so why am I not letting myself do that? I'm hella confused. But all I do know is that I want to make things better, for myself and everybody else that cares for me. It's hard. I don't know what made me like this, maybe it's just school itself, or maybe it's just my own stress, but whatever it is... I didn't realize it 'till now and I only wish that I couldn't stopped the process. I bet if I didn't cloud myself so much before, I could've been a lot happier with everything that's going on right now. Not that I'm not happy, but I could be happier. Things could be better. Or maybe I'm not happy with how things are right now...

It''s kinda hard to make out, I'm trying to break it all down and figure it out piece by piece. But i have been noticing better days. Better things happening for me. I'm getting closer with my relatives, I made it into show Choir, I'm joining forensics (and I'm pretty excited about it), and I'm slowly seeing familiar faces more often now that I'm trying to open myself out again. I'm seeing it, I'm sick of feeling sad. I think it's because I ponder a lot over the things that I can't have in my life, and I focus my interests in those particular things that I don't find room in my days to be appreciative about what I already have, or more like WHO i already have. I wonder why I'm just realizing this at this very moment... Maybe i had to type everything down slowly for me to actually break it down and figure it out. I can't be sad at the end of the year like this, I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I KNOW that I can just brush shit off. Why aren't I doing it? Where did all my pride go?

Man, what's going on?